The 10 Commandments For Newly Ordained Priests

Congratulations, Father.  After all those grueling years of philosophy, theology and dormitory life, you've finally been ordained.  Now that the bishop, that kind, fatherly figure who was so pleased with your desire to become a priest, has sent you to your first parish, you'll want to stay on his good side.

What?  You thought that now that you're out of the seminary and have been ordained that you no longer have to hide your orthodoxy and you can be that great champion of souls that you always wanted to be?  

Think again.

Welcome to the American Catholic parish.  Not all of those folks in the pews share your inspiration and they have little tolerance for anyone who rocks the boat.  Monsignor is the boss and he's known the bishop a lot longer than you have.  That same bishop who ordained you can strip you of your faculties or send you to the most undesirable parish in the diocese.  So get your head out of the ivory tower.  Now you get to walk the tightrope of survival.  Here are a few pointers for the uninitiated:

1.  THOU SHALT NOT OFFER TO HELP DISTRIBUTE COMMUNION AT THE PASTOR'S MASSES SO THAT HE WON'T NEED EXTRAORDINARY MINISTERS

Do you think he wants all those women yelling at him?

2.  THOU SHALT NOT OFFER TO START 

A PADRE PIO PRAYER GROUP

We don't need those kinds of Catholics in the parish.

3.  THOU SHALT NOT WEAR A BIRETTA AT ANY MASSES

Nobody remembers what it is and 
they're sure to start asking Monsignor about it.

4.  THOU SHALT NEVER SAY ANYTHING ADMIRING, KIND,  OR POSITIVE  ABOUT VENERABLE PIUS XII

It's been decided:  He's Hitler's Pope and that is that.  
We don't need you confusing the folks with any facts.

5.  THOU SHALT NOT TEACH AN ADULT EDUCATION CLASS USING RATZINGER'S SPIRIT OF THE LITURGY

Try Chicken Soup for the Soul instead.

6.  THOU SHALT NOT WEAR A CASSOCK 

ON PARISH GROUNDS OR AROUND TOWN

Why are you trying to stir up trouble?

7.  THOU SHALT NOT OFFER  TO HEAR CONFESSIONS FOR ANY PERIOD OTHER OR LONGER 

THAN THE TIME ALREADY SCHEDULED

30 minutes is enough.  What are you trying to prove, anyway?

8.  THOU SHALT ACCEPT AND USE ALTAR GIRLS 

AT ALL THY MASSES

That is, if you don't want to get a 20 year assignment 

as a hospital chaplain.

9.  THOU SHALT NOT OFFER PRIVATE INSTRUCTION IN THE FAITH TO ANYONE WHO CANNOT MAKE THE SCHEDULED RCIA CLASSES

That is Sister Randy's program and she decides 

who gets to be Catholic and who doesn't in this parish.

10.  THOU SHALT NOT TEACH THE CHILDREN IN THE FIRST HOLY COMMUNION CLASS 

TO RECEIVE ON THE TONGUE

Who do you think you are?  The Pope?